Have you read the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman? You can find a neat little quiz on the website www.5lovelanguages.com.
Many years ago I picked up this book because my husband and I were having difficulties communicating. I had thought about the Mars/Venus theory but I thought this was a better choice. Considering it had the word ‘language’ in it.
While reading the book, I found out that my primary love language is “Acts of Service”. This means that when I am showing my love for someone, whether it be a friend or loved one, that my actions will be what shows them how I feel. When I am receiving love, acts of service is also how I feel loved by others. Acts of service speak to me more than gifts, words of affirmation or even physical touch. My husband, however, his primary love language is “Physical touch” with “Quality time” as a close 2nd. Are we compatible? Well, we are more compatible now that we understand how to love one another.
Now if a person who has the love language “Words of Affirmation”… this person would respond more to someone who flatters them and uses words to lift them up, right? And the person with the love language “Receiving gifts” would be more receptive to that person bringing them flowers or a box of chocolates. Something small like a classic movie rental or a present that shows thoughtfulness and preparation would put that person right over the edge.
The relationship my husband and I have is one that has been worked on for years. It hasn’t always been easy but all in all even the bumps have been fun because it’s forced us to learn new things about one another and we feel accomplished when we work through an issue and come out on top. My husband is always there to compliment me, he notices when I get my hair done, and I love how his hands appreciate my curves. I’m there for him when he needs a hug and our nights cuddling on the couch re-energize him.
You know when you have those days that you look in the mirror and say “I look good today”. Your clothes fit you the way you love them to and you get that tickle in your tummy that tells you that today you are going to initiate some lovin’. This is huge for my husband because remember, my love language is acts of service but his is physical touch and quality time. So by me initiating those romantic times, it speaks volumes to him.
“The benefits of touch to a person’s health are phenomenal. Touch can reassure, relax and comfort. It reduces depression, anxiety, stress and physical pain; and can be healing. It increases the number of immune cells in the body and has powerful effects on behavior and moods. “*
Intimacy and the military is a whole other story. Every spouse will have a different story, different ideas and every spouse will have a different outcome. One thing that we all share though is that we are all human and all are physical beings.
So, how does a military spouse handle the fact that, for months on end, even a year or longer they are single in the physical sense but not in the mental? How does a person survive without being hugged, loved, caressed or stimulated for such a long period of time?
While discussing the topic of sex and intimacy with a military spouse, it is not uncommon to hear stories of infidelity. This is something that happens all too frequently in the military community. It’s not always the service member that cheats, quite often it’s the spouse left at home that is the one who breaks the commitment.
Why? To some, the answer might seem obvious. Long periods of time spent apart, temptation knocking at the front door, “it ‘just happened”. No matter what you think or why you think it, the fact is that having an affair in the military has become very normal and dare I say accepted. When someone brings it up, shock is not the first reaction in most cases. The only time it gets addressed is if the service member gets caught fraternizing with someone in their command.
I can’t count on one hand the number of affairs my husband has witnessed during his 13 years of service.
I recently read a blog where I found this information:
Is sex a basic human need?
Start with these premises:
- A (human) community is obligated to supply those of the basic needs of its members that can be met, unless perhaps these members have freely consented to not having these needs met.
- It is not permitted to require anybody to have sex, absent a free promise from the requiree.
- If a community is obligated to provide A to x, then it is permitted for the community to require one or more of its members to provide A to x.
- There is at least one community where there is at least one individual who (a) is capable of sex; (b) does not have sex with anyone; (c) has not consented to the state of affairs in (b); and (d) nobody has promised anything that entails having sex with this individual.
- Basic needs are the same for all members of all (human) communities.
- Therefore, sex is not a basic need.**
I highlighted the sentence in #1 because I think this is the viewpoint that most military spouses take when the subject of sex and intimacy comes up during their partner’s deployment. Some of us have mutually consented to not have these needs met.
If a person is single and dating, it’s their choice whether or not they want to invite intimacy between themselves and a suitor into the equation.
Knowing the love languages above, you take someone who is married. Who has a primary love language of physical touch and put them into a situation where they are around the opposite sex in a friendly setting. You can see where I am going with this. Do one too many hugs prove to be too much for this spouse and they find themselves reaching out for that connection because they need it? Is this a weakness or a sign of selfishness?
It’s very easy for someone who is in a vulnerable position to find themselves ‘taken’ by someone else is who trying really hard to create intimacy. Sometimes before you even recognize what the other person is doing it’s too late. And most people are motivated by their own selfish needs and desires. So, even though the suitor recognizes that the spouse is vulnerable and is in a position of weakness, they will use that as their cue to try and get their own needs fulfilled without understanding the recourse involved. The spouse may be so deprived of physical touch or quality time with someone that they can’t see straight and just blindly latch on to whoever is making themselves available. This can go the same for all the 5 love languages mentioned above.
Now the service member who is deployed isn’t immune either. Their needs are just as important as the ones left behind. And as studies have shown, physical touch can reduce stress, infuse relaxation etc. Is it really a surprise that many of our service members stationed in a war zone turn to affairs? Trust me, I’m not saying it’s acceptable or excusable, I am just seeing if it makes sense when put in a different perspective.
Most times when people find themselves in an affair they assume that it’s going to be easier than what they have now. The person is showering them with attention, the person is loving on them, flattering them etc. things in the future are going to be better. The popular saying “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side” comes to mind. In most situations, the ‘initial’ lust phase blinds most people to the reality of the situation. Most military affairs lead to divorce. Divorce and the military is a very ugly situation. There may be custody issues in which the military member almost always loses due to their deployment potential. Financially, our military members are already hurting, now take their pay and cut it in half due to support expenses and fees. Not looking green, is it?
Now the person they are having an affair with has their own set of baggage. This could just be a conquest for them. They could be in a relationship too, so now you have 2 separate divorces to go through, custody battles. What seemed fun and carefree in the beginning becomes a hard truth once the rainbow disappears.
You also have those relationships between 2 service members that occur during deployments, in th,e navy they are affectionately called “Boat Boos”. These are relationships that only occur on the ship during the deployment with the understanding that once they get home, they go back to their own separate realities. For some of you, you may think this is a great arrangement. Best of both worlds. Until you get caught on the ship and are disciplined for it and you are demoted for it…then what? Or what happens when one party decides they want more out of it then what you are willing to give and you have the whole ” Fatal Attraction” situation? What happens to your spouse in that situation?
So what have we learned? Not much actually. No matter how many studies, how many demotions, how many divorces occur with our service members and spouses worldwide, unless we all hold each other accountable and refuse to accept the indiscretions we witness on a daily basis then the lives that are destroyed by selfish needs will just continue.
It’s been proven that numbers can change the future. Imagine if everyone in the military community knew that someone was watching and someone was reporting what they were doing. If a service member or spouse knew ahead of time that if they go through with it their partner will be told about it…..do you think they would continue? Or do you think they would actually take a step back and reevaluate their choice?
Only time will tell.