I’m still here you know….

We recently just passed the 180-day mark of my husband’s deployment and looking at a possible 120 more days to go.  Last year my husband had already returned by this point, now we are looking at almost 2 deployments all wrapped into one.

Many of you who follow this blog series are currently in or have been in this same position and as perfectly supportive as we want to be, eventually carrying the life and sanity of your family solely on your shoulders starts to get to you….

For months and months, I have shared our lives with my husband.  Creating a special blog solely for him so he can access our lives and events here, see tons of photos at one time and be able to print them off at his will.  I’ve sent care packages, products that he’s requested and I have written book long emails to keep him informed of all that life has brought us or taken from us during these past 6+ months…

It wasn’t until this weekend that I realized how depleted I am.  Just  a brief rundown of what is going on in my life right now:

-Just started a new position as a national career advisor

-Coach Jr. Farm Volleyball 3 nights a week

-Work full time as a model

-Wake up every day as a Mom with 2 kids and all that that entails

-Jr. Farm baseball 3 nights a week

-Mom moving in with us for 6 months and prepping the house for that (laying down new floors, organizing rooms etc.)

Ok, so that is a very GENERAL scenario.

This past weekend was an especially busy time for me.  Saturday was occupado with a 2hr baseball game with our oldest son, then home to prep for a wedding I was attending that evening.  Needed to arrange food for the kids and babysitter, organize the bedtime routine, put out pj’s, get the kids bathed etc. all before I left.

Then I was at the wedding, which was the most beautiful, ornate and lavish affair I’ve ever attended.  That says a lot considering all that I’ve accomplished and done in my life so far…I was out with 2 of my good friends and really enjoying myself.  My babysitters’ Mom said to relax and enjoy and that coming home a bit later was no problem.  Phew considering I’d already been at the wedding for 3 hrs and we weren’t even on the main course yet…

All during dinner, I was emailing photos of the different courses to my husband so he could share in the event with me and see just how gorgeous everything was.  This is what I do, make sure he is a part of every day here.

On Sunday morning with eyes half open, I began my assault on my house to make sure everything was set up for our premier showing of the full KikaPaprika Fall Collection.  Cleaned bathrooms, living rooms, set out all the information, laid out the clothing, ran to the grocery store, made appetizers, put out beverages, etc.

The party started at 2pm and the last guest left at 930p.  The whole day I did not have time to sit down and get on the computer.

While vacuuming I missed a call from my husband who had said that email and phones were back online and that it’s very busy.  He’d catch up later that evening.

I was bummed of course but kept moving forward.  I still had things to get done.

During the last few hours of my party I started to receive messages from my husband “Hello?” and that’s all.  Or “Psst…still nothing?”

Honestly, it got to the point where I just ignored them.  Say what you will but let me explain:

Here is the difference, when I don’t hear from my husband for days, maybe even a week, I don’t stress, I don’t send emails 3 times a day to him saying “Hey, why haven’t you written?”.  I understand that he is working, and for whatever reason, he is unable to communicate with me, I know when he is able he will write. He doesn’t need the added stress of me nagging him when he is trying to keep lives safe.

Last night, after not hearing from him all day, I received one email from him and all it said was “Hello?”

This just set me off!  I was so annoyed.  I decided to not write back.  Until finally I went to bed and simply wrote “Good Night, I love you.”  End of email.

He didn’t like that much.  I couldn’t take it anymore though.  Why is it my responsibility only to carry the world on my shoulders?  When do I get someone to ask me “How was your day?”  and when someone does, I’m so dumbfounded that I have no idea what to say because I’m not used to hearing it!

I know that he is at sea, with no lifeline to our world but through me, however, I am a living, breathing human being too, and I need support and communication and motivation just like he does.  I need a verbal hug.  I need a virtual pat on the back.  I need that hug and compassion and what not that comes from someone caring about my feelings too.  I am just as alone as he is.

I simply responded, and I am paraphrasing here folks “You get what you give” and then I said I would write more in the morning.

I am motivated and inspired to write when my feelings get to the point where if I don’t let them out I will internally combust, which I tend to do anyway…but I’ve learned through sharing my life challenges with you that you sometimes need to know you aren’t alone.

I appreciate you being there to read my words to let me know I am not alone either.

God Bless and stay strong.


2 thoughts on “I’m still here you know….

  1. TEARS:( I KNOW the feeling. Life is getting the best of me also. I am trying to homeschool our oldest, do Cub Scouts, CPR6 stuff and other volunteer things. Last night, I put the kids to bed and took a LONG, hot bath. I just cried b/c I miss my husband so much. I hate having to do things which he does, like fix a flat bike tire. I also miss meeting him for lunch. As you mentioned, we are 6 months and still have a while to go. I am trying to stay strong, but time is not on my side. Even though, I try to stay positive, it is getting harder. With holidays coming up, that just sends me into depression mood. I just can’t imagine Thanksgiving without him and then Christmas, wow.
    As sad as it sounds, I am sorta glad that I am not the only one going through this. Here you are a beautiful women with a great career. I am a Stay at home Mom who just seems to be “snapping” at my husband through e-mail and phone. I think it has to do with the day to day pressures. The days when, I just want to stay in my pajama;s and forget about the outside world. As a military spouse, we are not able to do that b/c we have the kids, the house and pets to take care of.
    Sounds like a “ladies night out” is in order.
    Take some time for YOURSELF
    You are doing such a GREAT job:)

  2. There are never enough hours in a day!!!

    Some days, most days, I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I think as mom’s we forget “ourselves” because we are always trying to do for everyone else. You have the added responsibility of being both parents though, keeping everyone positive and I can’t imagine how you do it, and keep your wits about you.

    To me… You are both amazing women! Your strength is grand and your heart huge!!!

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